The teacher in our religious class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. “The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat!” she began. “Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month–until you loathe it.” The woman paused, looked up and said, “Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?”
Tues Oct 27
Mon Oct 26
A man was shopping in the men’s department at Bloomingdale’s when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He went up to her and said, “Good morning, madam.”She smiled pleasantly and asked “And what would you like?”The man said, “I’d like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your ass and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet pussy, I’d like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples lightly . . . . What I need is a new tie!”
Sun Oct 25
Doug: I think my marriage is in trouble.
Bill: Why do you say that?
Doug: Today I overheard my wife telling a
friend she prefers fishing
to sex. “It’s not as boring,” she said.
Sat Oct 24
“My but you look different today Claudia.” commented Rene to her co-worker. “Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use — special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?” “No !” replied Claudia. “My fuck’n vibrator shorted out this morning.”
Fri Oct 23
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother ? He’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” ”Denise,” the doctor says.The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!” Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?” The doctor replies, “DeNephew.”
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Thur Oct 22
A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her. She took one look and said, “It’s just like my husband’s penis.” “Wow, you mean he’s got one that long?” the mortician asked. “No,” she replied. “That fuck’n dead.”
Wed Oct 21
A young lady says to a salesman, “I need some batteries for my vibrator.” He motions with his finger, “Come this way…” She says, “If I could cum that way I wouldn’t need a fucking vibrator
Tues Oct 20
The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel. The madam says to her, ” Do you have any questions?” The hooker replies, ” Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?” The madam says,” The same as the short ones”.
Mon Oct 19
Little Johnny’s 2nd-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet. “Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?” Johnny says, “God, I’m cuming!!”
Sun Oct 18
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. “Veronica, I just don’t know what to do,” Gloria said to her friend at work. “That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?” “Oh, my God!” her friend exclaimed. “He’ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he’ll rip off your dress and you’ll have fantastic sex!” “What should I do?” asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, “Wear an old dress.”
