Movie Ratings Explained:
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and her dog!
Fri Nov 27
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’ Embarrassed, the young nurse replies ‘I don’t know,Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’ Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’ The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….. ‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s -b a c k ?’
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Thur Nov 26
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: “Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?” The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: “Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models.” The old woman then asks: “Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?” The clerk responds, “Yes we do”. “Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?”
Wed Nov 25
Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The first man says he pulled this girl last week and they agreed to go back to his house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off, lied down on the bed legs apart and panted, “I want you to give me twelve inches and make me bleed.” The second man not for one moment believing his mate was that well hung asked what he did. ”Well” he says, “What could I do – I fucked her twice and smacked the bitch in the face!”
Tues Nov 24
All eyes turned to stare as Suzanne, a gorgeous redhead walked into the costume party stark naked. The alarmed host rushed to intercept her. “Where’s your costume?” he hissed through clenched teeth. “This is it,” she calmly explained. “I came as Adam.” “Adam?” her host exploded. “You don’t even have fuck’ n a dick!” “Well gee, I just got here,” she replied. “Give me a few minutes!
Mon Nov 23
Returning from the men’s room, a bar customer was shaking his head. “What’s the matter?” inquired the bartender. “While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD – ABSOLUTELY THE GREATEST B.J. IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!” replied the customer. “Ah buddy, I wouldn’t give it a second thought, we get dickheads in here like anywhere else,” said the bartender. “I know,” continue the head shaker. “One fuck’n dick head has scratched out the fuck’n phone number!”
Sun Nov 22
A man goes to a whore house and tells that “madam” that he’s been around the world and has had every type of woman. He said he would like something different this time. She sends him up to Mabel’s room. He walks in and finds this “drop dead” gorgeous woman. He tells her that although she is beautiful, he’s had many beautiful woman before and was looking for something different. She takes her eye out and tells him to fuck her there. He does and finds it was terrific. He tells her he will be back again next week. She says, “Okay. I’ll keep an eye out for you!”
Sat Nov 21
A man brought his date back to his apartment, ripped both their clothes off and then said, “I’d like you to meet my little friend.” The woman took a look, gathered her clothes and said, “Call me when he grows up.”
Fri Nov 20
Wayne goes to the school therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, “How is your sex life?” “I have a lot of issues with sex,” Wayne replies. “What kind of issues?” the therapist asks. “Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse.”
Thur Nov 19
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy agrees and goes to the druggist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he’ll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. The guy agrees and goes back to the druggist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the druggist asks, “Listen buddy, it’s none of my business but if she’s that ugly, why do you keep fucking her?”
